(Listening to Ignis Brothers’ Saint or Sinner as I write this.)
Would my apologies still mean a thing? I've been notoriously noted for being late so much that it's become like a hungry thick in the multitude of hair.
Should I blame it on work like I used to? I don't know anymore. But I have been busy. Quite much, I would love to say. But amidst absolute positioning, layout grids, and exporting in PDFs and SVG, I have always missed you like the way a boy awaits the return of his longing lover.
Last week, I thought of writing to you & even more especially on my birthday. But I did write, I wrote about sadness, happiness, love and friendship. But not to you, not to anyone in particular, rather I wrote it to the wind, giving every word wings to fly out into the air. Now I think it's time, and if you still find me favoured, you can read it here.
I've spent these past few days staring at my Google Docs, thinking of how I can craft these words without playing another ballad into your ears but sometimes, the word has to be said just the way it's inspired in order to maintain the authenticity and originality of your letters. So, what do I want to talk about?
Look up and check the title again.
Does it sound philosophical?
Does it question your belief? Or are you hanging your head for some seconds to divulge the weight?
It doesn't matter anyway, because the time keeps eloping. We don't have a way to hold it, but I have found a hack to it. I have been touched again and I think it's important that I share this secret with you.
In preparation for my birthday, I prepared everything I will need including my essay, and books, set my time on alarm and planned everything I was going to do (which included taking a slice of cake for a ridiculous price.)
But on the morning of my birthday, after my prayers, I sat up on my bed and cried—wept actually. It's been a long time since I've done that. Apart from sadness-induced tears, sometimes I cry because I call it the ritual of purgation. But this morning, I wept so much that my eyes ached.
But why?
The funny thing is I don't know fully yet. But just that instance, my life played before me and I think about where I am coming from and where I am going and where I am present. The realization of 22 dawned on me so much that I felt overwhelmed. I looked around me, almost everyone that we started out with has gone way beyond me. And again, I wept.
But amidst these tears, I somehow managed to giggle. I giggled because I believe that I'm fortunate. And about time? It is just a tool of measurement. Now, how did I suddenly see time as a tool of measurement rather than a bitch that keeps counting my failures?
Let me talk a little bit about Design.
If you've ever used Adobe Photoshop, one of the most magical tools is Ctrl + T, which performs the magic of Transformation. But Transformation is only a portal to endless possibilities. However, one of the sauces in the cauldron of Transformation is Perspective.
Now, Perspective is a crazy spell that suddenly changes the way you see things. For instance, it could change a design positioned to be staring at you to a right-wing position of viewing.
What am I trying to say?
Perspective is everything in life. And that is why you see some materials as a physical representation of status while others see it as nothing.
In response to my weeping, I begin to see time as a measurement tool, for things I want to do, for things I have done and for things I am doing. Then it dawned on me that time is a coin with two obverse sides and it depends solely on me which I really want to see.
So I pick my calendar, Google calendar, and mark out days. I brought out my dusty journal and recalled some events, then wrote them down. I looked at my portfolio and realized how much I have put into my growth and I'm happy.
To be honest, time can make us seem like we're been left out of the scene. In fact, more crazily, it can make us feel like a loser but have you ever found the time to just bask in those little wins? Have you ever thought of changing your perspective to something more sophisticated? It works, it really works sweetheart.
But does the sadness go away totally immediately?
No. Time will bring it back. It will always try to remind you of how messed up your life is, how unfortunate you are, of how you're not anywhere close to your goals but at that moment, take a sheet of paper, and write out things that bother you in it, squeeze it together and burn it.
Then, think about what you've been up to.
You're not up to anything?
Think about memories. Gift of friendship. The miracle of bonding. Think of joy and happiness. And if it's still persisted, think of this letter.
Come back and read it.
This is so timely! Thank you for sharing. And, I am so proud of you, Bukumi. Keep blazing!